The Semi-Blind Date and My Triumph Over Evil Corporations

Enron Dating Tactics

I’ll apologize now cause this post is LONG. It seems like the most pleasant events of your life happen on weekends, or during the summer. This past weekend was simultaneously pleasant and unpleasant. The weather was summer like and it was a weekend, which would lead one to believe that good things were in store…not quite, but they were at the same time. Tough to explain. See about two weeks ago tomorrow I got a call on my cell from a number I didn’t know. A friendly piece of advice, if you don’t know the number NEVER answer. But I did. And on the other end of the line was a young lady that I’ll call The Kingpin. Now I knew who this girl was because I once gave her a ride home from a church thing. I’m pretty religious by the way. Though some of you that read this have witnessed me being anything BUT religious but who cares what you think you’re going to hell anyways…actually LDS people don’t exactly believe in hell but that’s a discussion for another day. Now THAT’s a run on sentence. Back to the phone call. The Kingpin and I hardly know each other. In fact I didn’t really care for her when I did give her a ride. She talks incessantly, and is just weird. The kind of weird that makes you feel both sad for them and a deep fear that they’ll latch onto you as a friend. So she asks if I remember her and I think “it’s hard to forget a person that makes that bad of an impression” but I answered in the affirmative. She then proceeds to ask me out, beeehhhh (shivers), and not for that week even but for more then a week later. She says that her company is having some sort of “party” (her words exactly, remember those words) and she’s “ been given the option” (exact words again) to bring someone.

Sidebar (not so much on the side or in bar form)
Let me make a little sidebar here right in the middle of the page. Guys have no clue how to say no. We’re not all that used to getting asked out. So if you ask us out you can get a pretty confused yes, to a volatile no. Or a yes with a call back break it off. Or you might even get a stand you up. And the occasional yes with an actual follow through date. It’s just a guy’s gut reaction that you’ll get. It might even be part of the deep down fight or flight reflex, I can’t say for sure. So bottom line, ask a guy out at your own risk cause they can be like cornered wounded badgers, and they’ll just charge you and eat your face. That parts metaphoric; I’ve never been one for red meat. As you’ll come to see, The Kingpin got mauled.

So as I hang up the phone I get pissed. At myself mostly, for not being able to see what was coming and stopping it dead. So I have that hanging over my head for the next more then a week. I’ll think “oh man Aubrey’s coming to visit next week”, and it will be followed by “but guess what you get to do THIS weekend?!!” And my happy mood would be shattered. So as the more then a week progressed I waited for her to call. Yet she did not. So my hopes began to grow that perhaps, just perhaps she was too nervous to call back.

Thursday arrives. As I get out of the gym, I notice that I’ve missed a call. I call back the unknown number, hoping against hope it wasn’t her. The phone goes to voice mail, and I just thank my lucky stars. It’s her dad’s cell. (Now an even bigger alarm bell should have sounded, who gives out their dad’s cell phone number as a call back for a guy asked out?) I leave a quick message and chalk it up to good fortune. She doesn’t call back that evening.

Friday day. I keep my cell phone in the bottom drawer of my desk so the receptions so bad it’s on Roam. “This way”, I think, “I can possibly get her call and I can blame it on the phone. Perfect GENIUS!!” Remember who else thought they were a super genius…Wiley Coyote. He ended up a puff of dust at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. That’s a pretty huge metaphorical punishment. What would the real world equivalent be? What fate awaits me?!

I wait on. Three o’clock, four o’clock, five o’clock…nothing. I start to think, she really didn’t want to go or something has come up. I decide to go the gym as usual. I can’t WAIT!! About half way to the gym, stuck in traffic with no where to run the phone rings, I look down and someone has left me a message. It’s her. So out of sheer guilt I call her back. This next part….you will not believe.

We do small talk for about ten seconds. Then she cuts to the chase. She explains it starts at 7 and that they’ll (THEY’LL) be leaving from her home at about 6:45. The dress is business casual but I shouldn’t feel obligated to dress like that even though they’ll (THEY’LL) be dressed that way. The next part was a gift from heaven I swear. I look and I see that I’m about 300 yards from my gym. So I start to do some quick thinking. I ask her “So what’s this thing all about anyways, its like a party you guys are having?” Dead silence. “Umm well it’s a conference, and So-and-So will be talking to us about our future, and what we can do right now to have some economic stability in the future. Because as you know businesses today struggle to blah blah blah…” After she finished her little spiel she mentions that afterward we’re going to the dance at the church. And asked if I knew where it was. I have to admit I was shocked by her explanation of what she had asked me out to. In fact that shock quickly turned to anger. I was almost willing to go with her till she basically told me it was a sales pitch. So I told her I wasn’t sure where the dance was and she responded “well I’ll find out for sure and call and email everyone else I asked to go.” I was like “everyone else?!” Then she said that she had asked a few people to go.

So I start in with the excuse to break off the date cause at this point I’m pretty damn sure I’ve paid my dues. So I say “you know it takes me about two hours at the gym, (total lie) so I’d probably be way late to the conference how about if I just meet you at the dance (another total lie).” It really was more a statement then a question. Now the next part I’m truly proud of myself for. She asks in a semi distressed manner “You mean you’re not going to the conference?!” and I respond with a very firm if not a little elated “NO!” “That’s just really not my thing. I’ll just see you at the dance.” She says, “Ok, well umm, I guess I’ll see you then, at 10:30.” And I think, “On a COLD DAY IN HELL, I’ll see you there!!” but respond “Sure!”(said with not a little sarcasm). Then I say, “See you there!” and hang up quickly. At this point I’ve pulled into the parking lot of my gym and am freakin’ the happiest man in the parking lot by far. I’ve just saved myself from a horribly Tony Robinsesk evening. By the way Tony Robins scares the crap out of me. I feel like he’d just eat someone he picks out of the audience. He’s a giant with a taste for humans, I’m telling you. So that’s the story of my latest blog worthy event. Sorry its so freakin long. But I really wanted to get all the details. One scary detail I left out was that of the math. What do I mean by the math? The conference started at 7 she was going to show up at the dance at 10:30. HOW LONG WAS THE FREAKIN CONFERENCE?! The dance started at 9 so she's saying it'd be three and a half hours long. GOOD, LORD!!