Those moments that just make you go WHAT THE F***!!!!

I needed to blog about this while its fresh in my mind and my feelings are still ragging.(I hate melodrama on blogs it makes them sooo much less appealing, sorry though I couldnt think of a better word) After a very long while I got an email today from my exgirlfriend. I dont want to tare(somebody really ought to help me with my hominims) her down or anything and I wont. It was just the second to last straw is all. The last straw was actually winding its way to D&C class soon to sign onto the internet. I'll explain in a moment.

I spoke with Derek and Robb this past weekend about how my life sucks. Basically I was having a pity party. Which I'll do about once a month. Which is pathetic and I hate but at least I'm dealing with my emotions unlike you pent up people out there ticking down to a huge explosion/implosion. The jest(sp?) of our convos was that my life is in the crapper. I've got no friends to speak of (YES derek you're my friend, for the love of God) I've got no personal life, a deadend job, no future educational plans, no idea where the hell I'm going in life. Spiritually I'm somewhere between a toxic waste dump and a recycling plant. So you can see this past weekend wasnt one of my easier weekends. I thought I just needed to touch base with some friends and I'd feel better. So wrong, soooo wrong of an idea. I love my friends, even if I only see them once every few months. But I sat through, I dont know, six or seven conversations where (gladly and thankfully) they're doing well or in some cases exceptionally well. I realize it was just my mind at work but their seeming direction, success and happiness served to highlight, underline and then initial next to, my lack of such direction, success and happiness. I dont and didnt resent them. It was painful to have that voice inside your head, (the one that mutters at regular intervals, just giving encouragement and a general positive spin to things) suddenly crack then blast you with the loudest WTF!? you've ever heard. I guess when your own head, independent of you, up and screams bloody murder you should probably expect a bit of a rough time. So getting that email from my exgirlfriend was not welcomed today. In it she expressed regret and remorse for not having communicated with me sooner. That she was glad to see that I felt the same way about things and that she hoped we could salvage something from the relationship because I am "one of the the FUNNIEST people she knows". She hopes we can be friends....I can do that, I can do friends but its going to be a stiff friendship.

I couldnt figure out why she'd have sent me anything at all. But, I figured, things do eat at you if you dont get them resolved so I'm sure that's what it was all about. I was wrong....I was ooohh so wrong. So about the time I finished up reading that email, about 750 miles away a friend of mine was opening up his laptop computer in his D&C class. I imagine he was doing it because he usually gets bored unless its really interesting. So he checked his mail and at that point I hit him up on MSN messenger with an all caps exclamation pointed internet primal yell of "YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS!!!!" he typed back in a calm, measured way, "what?" and i proceeded to let him know that she had finally written me back. He wasnt surprised, and this dismayed me. We talked for a few more minutes about the contents of the letter then he told me something I still dont believe. He said, well you know she's getting married to the guy she met after you, getting married in October.........

I went down on bended knee asking him to please take it back cause that friends is the last straw. She's getting married. We werent madly in love or anything, and I wont pretend that. Its not romantic, my feelings. Its more like quiet rage that everyone else seems to be plugging along just fine and I'm face down in a ditch someplace. This sucks. Its like I missed out on that meeting where they handed out everyones ability to make choices and move ahead with those choices. It wouldnt have been so bad if I hadnt recieved that news today, at least I dont think so. But for those of you that know my very sorted past, and personal struggles with things, it was bad enough feeling like I wasnt and wouldnt amount to anything. To have the whole romantic, relationship, marriage thing placed in front of me for my viewing pleasure.....it's just a bit much wouldnt you say? I know, I know, nothing more then you can handle and all that. Well I think that's pretty much a lie. I've had all I can handle before and it pretty much did take me out. Those last two years of school.... I had more then I could handle and it bounced me around like a pingpong ball. Damn I hate feeling sorry for myself. But really, I kind of need it, I think it lets me deal with really crappy situations.

Now in closing, lets not do that whole, keep a stiff upper lip, things can only get better, it just takes time, you'll get there, its just a trial, but you're still standing even after all that, thing shall we? You all know me, all three of you, and you know I'm just saying whats on my mind. So lets not take what I said to some extreme or "I'm going to call him right now!" place. Read, comment like usual and lets just go about our business and pretend I didnt just throw a tantrum on the interent.