Limited

It's a trying time when you find out the thing you wanted, and had been working at so diligently, is just as far out of your reach as it was when you started. This happened to me yesterday. I absolutely did not see it coming. I thought like most of us do, you put in your effort and time at something and it will get the results you intend it too. It's difficult to accept the possibility that maybe, no matter how much work you do you'll always be denied what you seek. And not because you slack off or lose the mental focus but simply because getting what you want is beyond your control and perhaps even not meant for you. The hardest part for me is that last part. You see others enjoying what you're working for and suddenly you realize, because you've fallen so short, that what they have simply isn't for you. It's just not in the cards. I guess that's what people call life. Some people have everything, some people have nothing. I'm not talking about a situation where I have nothing and someone else has everything, because everyone is lacking something essential, otherwise no one would ever grow. It reminds me of something I saw on my mission, though I've only now made the connection.

In Mexico you never have everything you need... Something essential is always missing.

Plumbing is a perfect example. You may have a nice tiled bathroom, but no water, water but nothing to heat it with, a heater but no gas, an empty can of gas with no where to trade it in. Nothing seems to ever just all fit together, you're always hunting for that missing essential piece. (Is something essential because it is intrinsically essential or does it become essential when we put value on it? When we figure we need whatever it is to press on?) Which I think is what we all are doing. Either looking for the missing piece or trying to reach it, or finding out we're actually missing something to begin with.

I guess what I was saying before I got into those thoughts about the things we pursue is that, we may believe something is essential or it may even be essential but that doesn't mean we're going to have it, even if we work our guts out to get it. I'm reminded of that movie I Am Sam, at one point Sam has a monologue where he tells Michelle Pfeiffer's character what its like to be mentally handicapped, to try and try and try and never get any better. What a heartbreaking thing. So how do we deal with our limits? As far as I know yesterday was the only time I've ever really felt like I hit my limit. There have been times when I've broken down because I thought what was happening was beyond my capability but those times were just a cop out. I have no idea if that stuff was beyond me because I gave up trying.

It was disappointing to see what I wanted and to see it beyond my reach. And having that feeling, this just isn't for you. So what is for me? or us? or them? Many times you feel like there's something there in you below the surface where you can't see. Something staggering and great, but it's all locked up. I once had a discussion with a friend and we both seemed to feel we were caged. Though I feel for me its more this surface thing now. Like if I can just grab a shovel and dig it out I'll see what good there is to see in me and then those things I want but cant have won't have so much weight because I'll know everything I have and can reach, everything that's essential for me. And the things I've thought were essential will lose their essential value to me and become just an option, an addition if desired.

So what do you do when God, or life says, "you can do that but you'll never have it like you want. It will always be less then, instead of equal too."? Do you still pursue it even though you can't get what you want? Do you settle for a shadow of what you wanted? Are you settling when that's as good as you can get but not what you want to get? I don't know. At the moment, I don't feel discouraged, I did but not now. I guess I feel like maybe I can have a form of what I want, what I think will prop me up. And maybe that form will be pretty darned good even if its not what I wanted it to be. Though I'm not settled. I won't settle. I've settled, or given up, or walked away a few too many times. Perhaps this time, if I listen a little bit more to what the powers that be have to say in regards to my goals and desires, I'll end up wanting what I get instead of just getting something and not really comprehending it.