Monday, August 29, 2005

Those moments that just make you go WHAT THE F***!!!!

I needed to blog about this while its fresh in my mind and my feelings are still ragging.(I hate melodrama on blogs it makes them sooo much less appealing, sorry though I couldnt think of a better word) After a very long while I got an email today from my exgirlfriend. I dont want to tare(somebody really ought to help me with my hominims) her down or anything and I wont. It was just the second to last straw is all. The last straw was actually winding its way to D&C class soon to sign onto the internet. I'll explain in a moment.

I spoke with Derek and Robb this past weekend about how my life sucks. Basically I was having a pity party. Which I'll do about once a month. Which is pathetic and I hate but at least I'm dealing with my emotions unlike you pent up people out there ticking down to a huge explosion/implosion. The jest(sp?) of our convos was that my life is in the crapper. I've got no friends to speak of (YES derek you're my friend, for the love of God) I've got no personal life, a deadend job, no future educational plans, no idea where the hell I'm going in life. Spiritually I'm somewhere between a toxic waste dump and a recycling plant. So you can see this past weekend wasnt one of my easier weekends. I thought I just needed to touch base with some friends and I'd feel better. So wrong, soooo wrong of an idea. I love my friends, even if I only see them once every few months. But I sat through, I dont know, six or seven conversations where (gladly and thankfully) they're doing well or in some cases exceptionally well. I realize it was just my mind at work but their seeming direction, success and happiness served to highlight, underline and then initial next to, my lack of such direction, success and happiness. I dont and didnt resent them. It was painful to have that voice inside your head, (the one that mutters at regular intervals, just giving encouragement and a general positive spin to things) suddenly crack then blast you with the loudest WTF!? you've ever heard. I guess when your own head, independent of you, up and screams bloody murder you should probably expect a bit of a rough time. So getting that email from my exgirlfriend was not welcomed today. In it she expressed regret and remorse for not having communicated with me sooner. That she was glad to see that I felt the same way about things and that she hoped we could salvage something from the relationship because I am "one of the the FUNNIEST people she knows". She hopes we can be friends....I can do that, I can do friends but its going to be a stiff friendship.

I couldnt figure out why she'd have sent me anything at all. But, I figured, things do eat at you if you dont get them resolved so I'm sure that's what it was all about. I was wrong....I was ooohh so wrong. So about the time I finished up reading that email, about 750 miles away a friend of mine was opening up his laptop computer in his D&C class. I imagine he was doing it because he usually gets bored unless its really interesting. So he checked his mail and at that point I hit him up on MSN messenger with an all caps exclamation pointed internet primal yell of "YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS!!!!" he typed back in a calm, measured way, "what?" and i proceeded to let him know that she had finally written me back. He wasnt surprised, and this dismayed me. We talked for a few more minutes about the contents of the letter then he told me something I still dont believe. He said, well you know she's getting married to the guy she met after you, getting married in October.........

I went down on bended knee asking him to please take it back cause that friends is the last straw. She's getting married. We werent madly in love or anything, and I wont pretend that. Its not romantic, my feelings. Its more like quiet rage that everyone else seems to be plugging along just fine and I'm face down in a ditch someplace. This sucks. Its like I missed out on that meeting where they handed out everyones ability to make choices and move ahead with those choices. It wouldnt have been so bad if I hadnt recieved that news today, at least I dont think so. But for those of you that know my very sorted past, and personal struggles with things, it was bad enough feeling like I wasnt and wouldnt amount to anything. To have the whole romantic, relationship, marriage thing placed in front of me for my viewing's just a bit much wouldnt you say? I know, I know, nothing more then you can handle and all that. Well I think that's pretty much a lie. I've had all I can handle before and it pretty much did take me out. Those last two years of school.... I had more then I could handle and it bounced me around like a pingpong ball. Damn I hate feeling sorry for myself. But really, I kind of need it, I think it lets me deal with really crappy situations.

Now in closing, lets not do that whole, keep a stiff upper lip, things can only get better, it just takes time, you'll get there, its just a trial, but you're still standing even after all that, thing shall we? You all know me, all three of you, and you know I'm just saying whats on my mind. So lets not take what I said to some extreme or "I'm going to call him right now!" place. Read, comment like usual and lets just go about our business and pretend I didnt just throw a tantrum on the interent.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Quantum Mechanics and Childhood(I think the title is better then the post)

I've once again cleaned off my desk. I cant believe I'm being so productive this week. Usually I just stretch one or two projects over a weeks time, mostly because I can. I mean I could just get right down to the task and get it done but then I wouldnt have anything to do and I'd be back here blogging again. So in order to help you, the reader, out I space my projects out so I dont bombard you daily with new whit and wonder from my very creative brain. Creative...bored its like hairsbreath away from each other for me. But in being more productive this week I've found that the day does indeed go by much faster and thus the week in turn flies by. Why it's already Wednesday.
I remember when I was a kid I used to think that the sooner you went to sleep the sooner the next day would come. So I'd see my brother or sister asleep at night and think they're probably already getting up. I wonder what they're doing. Funny huh? Guess you dont really grasp the concept of time that well. In fact I thinkI remember the very first time I realized that half an hour is like chump change. I was 9 or 10 and I was supposed to go to my friend Neil's house for something or other. He and I were pretty much brothers. Anyways, I was employed in that time honored tradition of asking just how much longer I was going to have to wait for the festivities to begin. My mom pointed to the clock and said "Its 10 right now, you're going at 10:30, think you can occupy yourself for that long?" I looked at the clock and I was absolutely STUNNED by the seemingly insignificant amount of time I had to wait. I ran off without answering, probably on a mission to beat the hell out of Koopa and his Kids on Mario World 3. I loved finding those whistles didnt you? And the giant level, some of the truly sublimest(if its not a word it should be) Nintendo artistry ever devised.
But I remember that before that point, time was totally elastic to me. Minutes were incomprehsible. Hours might well have been days. I mean the three hour block of church were like eons. I'd go in the morning be in classes and Sacrament meeting and come out and think, "it feels like a whole day has gone by." But after that afternoon time calcified into its current ridgid state. Minutes are now comprehensible but are easily the pennies of time and are thus disregarded in small piles here and there, some even in mason jars. Hours are more standard but most things get measured in four hour blocks. 8 till noon, 1 till 5. "Working" hours. Funny how something like your perception of time can just come to life like that huh? Anyways, I still cant believe its already Wednesday. Time flies, once your past age 9 or 10 aparently, or at least once you've realized how short a half hour is. Speaking of which, I've been at this for about that so I think I'll wrap it up. Dont want to pack too much FUN and interesting reading into one post, I might tire you boys out. If that happens call the fire department or a vet because monkeys will be flying out my butt.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Hardline Friendship

I actually like Mondays generally. I think when you're a teenager and even a college student Mondays suck. It just means more class, homework, reading due, papers due just lots of things you'd rather put off or never do. Mondays as a working man are a little better. I can come in and have a clean desk with nothing on it. That's a nice feeling. I can start on projects, pull out existing ones and shred old ones. Its not bad. Except in an accounting office in the summer sometimes things get slow and you find yourself reading other peoples blogs hoping they'll stop writing cause its so mundane or whiny. The ones that really bug me are the ones where the blogger tries to teach us some lesson or delve deep into their own psychy(sp) trying to help us understand why they're such a loser.(Just in case you're thinking I'm talking about you Derek, you'd be totally wrong. See the benefit of being my friend is youre exempt from all the derogatory comments I make about the public. Isnt it nice knowing you could do whatever and its a consequence free environment?)
I realize my position, I'm here, blogging about blogging. I see the irony. Believe me. But you know someone has to take a hardline on this whole thing and I figure why not me? I mean I'm not too busy, I finished my project for today and my desk is clean again. Might as well take a hardline. Its kind of like "taking a knee" at a sports practice but you dont get orange slices while someone lays out who's shirts and who's skins. I guess my line that I'm simultaneously kneeling on and taking is that blogging shouldnt be about how much better you are then other people, or how you're right and everyone else is wrong. The hardline should be people noting their everyday comings and goings in whatever voice the feel appropriate. Whether that be angry, sad, happy, or some other complex emotion that I can't list. At least that's what I like to read, I mean this is my hardline so its my way or to the back of the line.
I've got three friends that read my blog, as far as I can tell and I enjoy their blogs. Mostly cause they just talk about jersey lifestyle, provo pasttimes or graduate experiences. Its just a slice of life, with the occasional photo. That's what makes it valuable I think. You get to see a few moments out of your friends day that you wouldnt otherwise see or even hear about from them because its their thoughts you hear not their actions you see. You get to look inside their head and see what they thought was noteworthy that day, and what better way to learn about your friends then by hearing their thoughts.
Look at me getting all mushy when I'm supposed to be taking a hardline. I think if I ever have a talk show it will be called Hardline. It would probably consist of my friends and former roomates going on about how people dont stick to our social circle's set of guidelines. For instance, hitting on the girl your roomate has over to hang out with is not bad if 1) you dont know you're doing it, 2) she's way way hot, and 3) he's afraid of you. Robb can vouch for me on that one. Another good example is that swearing is allowed in a few instances but not all the time (we're talking words you wont see in the bible here). You can swear during sports, while watching sports, on vacation, and when playing poker or video games or video game poker and of course while driving around in Provo. See very reasonabl guidelines. All my former roomates can vouch for those rules, we used them and we prospered. I mean look at Robb he teaches English at a University he's practically a proffessor. Another handy hardline I know Seth can agree upon is when I say its best to carry between fifteen and thrity spare pesos around in Mexico to give to someone if they mug you, no Seth? And Derek you and I didnt always see eye to eye on some hardlines but we both agree if you're going to the beach buy the more expensive beach towel cause a cheaper one is smaller, less absorbant and WILL ruin your other clothes and bathing suit if you wash them all together.
Those are a few of my hardlines. Hardlines I think we all can observe and appreciate. Now as for my original topic, blogging hardlines. I guess this particular post doesnt follow that hardline but since I'm opperating in a consequence free environment here (remember Derek) to hell with that (its in the Bible, look it up) I will blog about whatever I want on occasion even if it doesnt have to do with my daily comings and goings. Actually reading the beginning of my blog I did talk about my day so all you detractors can go ef yourselves. Oh man, I miss casual swearing. Anyways, this post is for my friends, thanks for hanging out this summer, or blogging so I could keep in touch and see what Jersey looks like. I had a lot of fun. Have fun at school, I'll keep you posted about the exciting developments in the world of accounting. I know you're waiting with baited breath (I dont think I used the right spelling for baited but how else are you going to spell it?) Later.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Social Suckiness

My social life is dead. Or maybe its not even that. What do you call something that wasnt even alive to begin with? Inert? That sounds good. My social life is inert. I used to have some fairly strong connections here in town but as the summer passed by and I was often absent those connections got married (ridiculous, a 21yo getting married after like three months of dating (mostly I'm just pissed he got off so easy) but then again he is one of those people who has yet to discover that there are grey areas in the world, its going to suck when he finds that out AND has all that responsiblity of a marraige) and the other ones moving to Orange County. So here I am in Lonersville, population ME. The cousin I used to hang out with went out and got a girlfriend so he's pretty much dead to me. Speaking of girl friends, I actually miss mine. Well I miss having someone but not her in particular. Man what a pity party, its disgusting huh? The problem is I cant find anyone that shares my particular sense of humor. If you dont get the same jokes as me chances are we're going to struggle to communicate. Take my best friend. I love him. I'd do anything for him or any member of his family. But I probably couldnt get him to sit down and watch four episodes of Arrested Development in a row. And hey he's got best friend status here. Not a title I hand out lightly. So I just realized that my best friend doesnt share my exact sense of humor so I guess I destroyed my earlier supposition about communicating and my sense of humor. Oh well most of the things I say contradict themselves at somepoint. But yeah, no social life. I can make an attempt with the kids at my church....I could go to a building across town and go to church for singles only. I dont know. Have you noticed how often I finish thoughts with "i dont know". Not necessarily in writing but in speaking AND chatting.

The only silver lining I can see at the moment is that I'll be running in a 10k race in October that the marines put on. It kicks ass. Its 10k through a minefield of obstacles. By the time you're finished you're a whole different color because of the mud. That's my kind of good time. So to all you freakin losers out there that think I'm a "pencil pusher" or "pretty boy" put that in your pipe and smoke it smart asses. I invite you out to the races and I'll leave you trailing far behind. Wow, that was angry. lol. But I seriously invite any of my readers...there's two of you I think, a whopping two, out to the race on Oct. 8. Be sure and bring some duct tape for your shoes, cause the mud will suck them right off, I've seen it happen. haha. I'll post a map of the course, its not to scale but you get an idea of how many obstacles there are. I dont know how to end this post.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Holy Boredom

This past Sunday I went to church for the first time it what seemed like months. On my way to church I thought "I'm kind of excited and I've kind of missed church." Turns out I was wrong. I was fidgety ALL through it. I was lucky to have my 18 month old niece there to keep me busy and entertained at least for the first hour. I sat there and listened and thought, "man....this is going to be a LONG three hours." I got up more then six times over the course of the three hours to get drinks and go to the bathroom. Of course those two are probably related. It was pretty boring except when I was feeling really socially uncomfortable. Some of the speakers did a terrible job. I didnt expect much as they were 14, 15, and 16 year old girls. I actually got up during one talk and walked out it was so terrible. I felt so uncomfortable listening to this girl drone on and on about nothing, make awkward pauses and inappropriate jokes. It felt like someone dropped the ball on that one. They at least should have been given a scripture to use, jeez.

The last two hours went by at a snails pace. I really wanted to just leave but I figured I would suddenly add a new goal to my ever expanding list. Attend church for all three hours for a whole month, in the very least it kept me in my seat. Sunday school was mildly amusing. And priesthood was alright, though I didnt like the teacher. We talked about marraige and how to treat your wife. My most favorite subjects right? What with my marraige and all just around the corner.

Speaking of marraige we had my cousins reception at my house on Saturday. 150 people came. Out of the 150 I'd say 25-30% asked me when I was getting married, when my "turn" was, when the "big date is", or if I was "geting married/hitched soon". According to my parents, my mom mostly because my dad I think has learned to say nothing on the subject to me, they were just making conversation. You know I dont know anyone that tries to start up conversations asking about other peoples major life decision and or changes. "So when is it your turn to get divorced?" or "I heard you got a 100 on the LSAT, what college's do you think will let you in with that score?" See how it just doesnt really fit in a low key social setting. Heck, forget low key I cant think of any social setting where that's ok, except maybe between therapist and patient. I know those are more negative inquaires but it still proves my point. I mean in Mormon culture not getting married is like getting divorced. Plain and simple. So why would people feel its an appropriate conversation starter? I finally got fed up and one lady got the brunt of my frustration. She asked "So are you getting married now?" (what a dumbass) I was proud of my restraint bytheway. I said, "No, I'm not!" I was pretty forceful and kind of short with her and dang it felt good. I could tell I caught her totally off guard because she stammered for a second with a response, her eyebrows went waaaaay up and she did this half smile that's really more of a show of pain and embarASSment then understanding. Like I said it felt good. I guess passing on some of the uncomfortablness I felt when asked that question alleviated my earlier frustration.

I'm going to lunch though I've got more to add.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A word to my fans....

Hey Derek, bite me!! How's that for a new post.