Monday, September 26, 2005

Dance Dance Revolution

So I suppose I should talk about my weekend.

Bo and I headed out around 8pm. He's recently off the mission so we talked a bit about the mish. I reminiced about my mission president final interview and the advice he gave me. To my utter shock it flew out of my mouth word for word. I had no idea I'd burned it that deep into my memory. Or maybe the fact that I attach with that memory, the story of another final interview of a fellow missionary. The pres. told him not to marry a bitch. Sound advice I'd say, and that's straight from the Lord's servant. In my interview he warned against the struggles of marrying a sickly woman. Also he laid out five principles to live by, well more like five things to always have going on in your life to stay happy. 1)Read the scriptures daily, 2)Pray daily, 3)Pay your tithing, 4)Always have a calling, 5)Attend the temple regularly. More sound advice from a servant of the Lord.

So Bo and I recalled various companions and the familiar but different questions people often put to missionaries. I asked him if he'd experienced any postmission depression. He said he'd been symptom free and happy to be where he is. That's good news. I had a terrible bout of the stuff. It really grinds you down and tests your faith. He did express some frustration, not unlike my own, about his social standing. Its hard to find a woman here. End of story. So he was aprehensive but optimistic about attending that evenings dance. I was somewhat less enthusiastic though I tried to amp up my feelings by listening to 80s music and some good old fashion latin dance music. It seemed to take my edge off.

We arrived at the dance without incident. As we pulled up to the parking structure a pleasant older gentleman directed me where to park my car. While I was thus engaged with him someone started to scream my name. I looked up and there was a familar face without a name. I stammered for a moment then just gave up. "I can't remember you name, I'm sorry." She was fine with it, I mean it had only been what....? nine years? Her name was Monica. We went to high school together and her brother once tried to start a fight with me outside my sophomore math class. He was dating a friend of mine at the time. She broke up with him shortly after the incident. I think I won the war but he won that battle.

So I told Monica to hold tight while I parked my ride. The dance itself was atop a new parking structure next to a used car lot. The lot was conviniently empty so we were directed to park there and even ushered into parking spots by guys wearing wireless radios attached to their heads. It gave the whole thing a feel of professionalism and planning. Highly unusual for any church function except maybe general conference. We caught the elevator at the bottom but had to get off on the second floor to pay and get our hands stamped. We trudged up the four floors to the top all by our lonesome.

At the top there dance was in full swing, well mostly. There were scattered circles of dancers and a lot of kids by the refreshments. Which were great. Lots of fruit, and other good for you stuff. And somewhere around 100 pallets of water in those little tiny bottles. The DJ seemed to have a good hold on what mormon youth like to dance too. The occasional eighties hit, lots of hiphop and the rare slow dance. We toured the facilites then alighted near the watermellon and chocolate chip cookies. That's when Jenny, the girl I hooked up with, spotted us and made a B-line, date in tow. Poor guy, upstaged by a recently returned missionary and a very handsome, buff youngman, with starteling blue eyes and a confident demeanor. We did our quick hugs hello and intro's and proceeded to the dance floor. This is where things get ugly.

Honestly I was proud of myself for dancing after about 8 or 10 minutes of watching. It's got to be a record for me. Bo however, struggled. But after a bit he got into it and dang that kid can dance. Put me right down to shame. It was fun. I eventually met a young latin girl and we dance several dances together. She was into me and that was nice. Its nice to be wanted and know you're wanted. Eventually the police broke up the dance citing complaints from neighbors as the reason why. Which logically is impossible as we were 6 stories in the air next to a freeway. How anyone could hear us is a complete mystery to me.

Bo and I proceeded to In&Out down the street and got our late night grub on. It was as good as ever. We were joined by the latin girl and her friends. We stayed awhile, chatted for a bit and eventually Jenny came by and went to her place to soak in the hottub. I finally got to sleep around 330, my latest night in a year.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Just Different Stuff

I think I've read every blog that each one of my friends is connected to. That is saying something. because its like a family tree out there in blogdom. I have noticed a huge error though. My friend Seth doesnt have a link to his blog page, whereas my friends Robb and Derek do. That just isnt fair and I totally appoligize Seth. You'll forgive me I hope as it was a total accident.

I really have nothing to say today. I think I blogged myself out. I definitely enjoyed the summer as far as blogging went because people updated their stuff so often. Now everyone's in school and doing homework and what not so I dont get to feel nearly as included as I used to. Also reading your friends blogs is a great cure for boredom but that kind of goes without saying.

I went to institute last night with my friend Bo. He sure is a good kid. Low key, fun, just relaxing to hang out with. The subject was good, it was section 2 from the D&C. Not exaclty the longest section ever but it probably contains some of the most important verses ever recorded. Imagine that, last night I studied some of the most important words ever penned. It's pretty cool when you think about it. I guess I did do something meaningful this week.

Bo invited me to go with him to some dance down in LongBeach. It's tonight. I don't really want to go. Big crowds at social gatherings bother me. I dont know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing, especially at a dance. I confessed to Bo last night, as we rode home, that I get very timid and feel awkward in big social settings. And he unexpectedly chimed in, "so do I man, I get so uncomfortable." I was suprised by this comment but didn't really pursue it. I commented further that I could only dance to something with steps otherwise I just hold a cup and stand around. This comment brought a laugh. The thought occured to me, we're both uncomfortable in the situation we're going to put ourselves in yet, we're actually putting ourselves in it, why would we do this? I didn't say anything about it but I probably will later during the car ride down.

We both know one person at the dance. Jenny. A girl I made out with a couple of times and tried to and then decided not to date. It's funny, I think she likes Bo. Poor guy. She says she'll find a place for us to stay the night down there. So what I'm going to do tonight is voluntarily put myself in a very uncomfortable, potentially very unfun position. Not have the option to get out of that position until the next day. Robb is saying "good for you man, it'll make you grow." And I say, "I havn't grown an inch since I was 15 and I've grown accustomed to my height."

I do need to do something about my social life though. Things are already kind of rolling. I've made a new friend, I go to institute once or twice a week, I go to YSA firesides. I guess the uncomforableness of a dance is the next step. Maybe I'll even meet some hot girls and dance slow dances with them. Maybe I won't have to jump about trying to dance but looking like my joints have been fused. We can only hope.

I'm really looking forward to Conference next week. I'm excited to see my friends and to get to go to the conference center. Admittedly, I'm also excited to be in a place where there are lots of people my age. It's going to be fun to just be able to do something of the old fun things I used to do in Provo. Like playing golf on a Friday afternoon, or going to the first showing of a movie I want to see. And lets not forget all the eating that's going to be going on. Tucanos here I come. And the meal's on me boys, and hopefully girls.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Sizable Earthquake,

Just a 4.0 followed by a 4.9 not too bad. But the building sure did creak and crack. Soo much better then a hurricane. All done in a matter of seconds.


It's a trying time when you find out the thing you wanted, and had been working at so diligently, is just as far out of your reach as it was when you started. This happened to me yesterday. I absolutely did not see it coming. I thought like most of us do, you put in your effort and time at something and it will get the results you intend it too. It's difficult to accept the possibility that maybe, no matter how much work you do you'll always be denied what you seek. And not because you slack off or lose the mental focus but simply because getting what you want is beyond your control and perhaps even not meant for you. The hardest part for me is that last part. You see others enjoying what you're working for and suddenly you realize, because you've fallen so short, that what they have simply isn't for you. It's just not in the cards. I guess that's what people call life. Some people have everything, some people have nothing. I'm not talking about a situation where I have nothing and someone else has everything, because everyone is lacking something essential, otherwise no one would ever grow. It reminds me of something I saw on my mission, though I've only now made the connection.

In Mexico you never have everything you need... Something essential is always missing.

Plumbing is a perfect example. You may have a nice tiled bathroom, but no water, water but nothing to heat it with, a heater but no gas, an empty can of gas with no where to trade it in. Nothing seems to ever just all fit together, you're always hunting for that missing essential piece. (Is something essential because it is intrinsically essential or does it become essential when we put value on it? When we figure we need whatever it is to press on?) Which I think is what we all are doing. Either looking for the missing piece or trying to reach it, or finding out we're actually missing something to begin with.

I guess what I was saying before I got into those thoughts about the things we pursue is that, we may believe something is essential or it may even be essential but that doesn't mean we're going to have it, even if we work our guts out to get it. I'm reminded of that movie I Am Sam, at one point Sam has a monologue where he tells Michelle Pfeiffer's character what its like to be mentally handicapped, to try and try and try and never get any better. What a heartbreaking thing. So how do we deal with our limits? As far as I know yesterday was the only time I've ever really felt like I hit my limit. There have been times when I've broken down because I thought what was happening was beyond my capability but those times were just a cop out. I have no idea if that stuff was beyond me because I gave up trying.

It was disappointing to see what I wanted and to see it beyond my reach. And having that feeling, this just isn't for you. So what is for me? or us? or them? Many times you feel like there's something there in you below the surface where you can't see. Something staggering and great, but it's all locked up. I once had a discussion with a friend and we both seemed to feel we were caged. Though I feel for me its more this surface thing now. Like if I can just grab a shovel and dig it out I'll see what good there is to see in me and then those things I want but cant have won't have so much weight because I'll know everything I have and can reach, everything that's essential for me. And the things I've thought were essential will lose their essential value to me and become just an option, an addition if desired.

So what do you do when God, or life says, "you can do that but you'll never have it like you want. It will always be less then, instead of equal too."? Do you still pursue it even though you can't get what you want? Do you settle for a shadow of what you wanted? Are you settling when that's as good as you can get but not what you want to get? I don't know. At the moment, I don't feel discouraged, I did but not now. I guess I feel like maybe I can have a form of what I want, what I think will prop me up. And maybe that form will be pretty darned good even if its not what I wanted it to be. Though I'm not settled. I won't settle. I've settled, or given up, or walked away a few too many times. Perhaps this time, if I listen a little bit more to what the powers that be have to say in regards to my goals and desires, I'll end up wanting what I get instead of just getting something and not really comprehending it.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Disenchantment and Selfish Blogging

I've decided that my blog, while occasionally entertaining and usually unimportant, needs some sort of gimmick. No ones reading this thing but you. You know who you are. Is that petty of me? To want someone besides my friends to read my blog? As dumb as it is, I have this silly need for someone besides just my friends to read my blog. Probably because even if it really really sucked they'd read it cause they're my friends. I remember when I had just barely began blogging (blogging ages should be done in dog years or something because they come and go so fast, a two year blog is roughly 45 years old in blog years) I used to really look forward to comments with a near Christmas morning type of anticipation. Now....comments are nice and all, and appreciated ever so much, but its just not fulfilling anymore. Jeez, I feel like I'm breaking up with my girlfriend or something. And I certainly dont want to offend my friends. I read their blogs, I comment, its a very mutually beneficial thing. But I miss the fun of it. Maybe that's what I'm saying, blogging has lost its novelty for me. It probably hit home when I was on the phone with someone and didnt want to explain the goings on because I had already put it on my blog and didn't want to to rehash it all.

That is simply unacceptable to me. I don't like calling up a friend and already knowing how their weekend was because I read all about it. It totally removes people from the connection they're supposed to make. Blog's may give insight or notions or allow for rants but what person doesn't do the same for their friends? How much more comforting is it knowing that there's someone actually physically listening to you then seeing some flat screen blast out electrons that form into words that someone may or may not be reading? It seems so 1984ish to me. Not horribly so but there's a shade and a shadow of the further isolation of people from other people.

Yet I'm not sure that I want to entirely give up blogging or reading blogs. It can be fun. It can be entertaining. It can be, even, maybe fulfilling to a degree?(I often wonder if people use my commas as I intend them to be used. Do they know when you read, especially outloud, you must pause at certain commas so that the author's inflection and ephasis comes out. Did you pause when you read it in your head? Or am I forced to use elipses?) Maybe what I need is purpose in my blog. At the moment I'm just writing whatever. I'm reporting mundane things. Occasionaly something really worthy of a post will pop up like old Kingpin and her dating schemes. But that stuff's once in a blue moon.

I'm not proposing some huge thing just a small addition. It wouldnt even be a continuous every post thing. Just the occasional post. It probably wouldnt make my blog more popular. But it might mean more to me. And I guess blogging is a selfish act. Hmmm....does blogging contribute to selfishness? An interesting question. But maybe I can sidestep the selfishness of it occasionally and do something better. So I think I'll start to review books on my blog from time to time, as I finish them. I've got a list of four books I'm going to buy and then read. I'm currently working on IT. Stephen King's, in my opinion thus far, best book. Even rivaling the whole Dark Tower series. He absolutely grips you by reaching into your head, taking out the eleven year old in you and scarring it to death. The grizzly murders are NOT the scary part, in fact they're a kind of relief. The terror in the little Maine town of Derry is....guess you'll just have to wait till I finish the book.

Monday, September 19, 2005

My Spiritual Landscape Changes

I'm not so musicless after all. On Saturday after replacing some Jack Johnson CDs and that Bob Marley boxset I was able to find the lost music library on itunes. It was so easy to fix it was laughable how hopeless I was about recovering the music. Finding my music was one of many good things from this past weekend.

Friday: Work was rather uneventful. I'd much rather it be uneventful then hectic. The phone rang occasional, I did a little book work and that was it. Pretty low key. I didn't go to the gym because the Young Single Adults were having a fireside that night and Richard G. Scott was the speaker. I had been preparing for it all week by being as well behaved as I could manage. I was actually able to manage quite a bit and it surprised me. The fireside began at 7pm I got there at 6:15. Imagine that, me 45 minutes early. What was even better, when I arrived there were already about 150 YSA kids outside the building waiting for someone to come unlock the building. Eventually someone with keys arrived and let us in. I was happy to be there and I got a great seat on the end of the third pew from the front. As 7 o'clock rolled around it became apparent that Elder Scott wasn't actually able to attend. He has pneumonia and Elder Packer told him he couldn't go. Imagine that. lol. I forgot to mention that the Stake President had called me earlier in the week to ask me to give the closing prayer at the Friday meeting. I was disappointed but also a bit relieved I wasn't going to have to pray in front of an Apostle.

Elder Richards and Elder Staley of the 70 delivered some amazing messages to us. Every major point they shared was exactly what I needed and had been mulling over in my head for a while. Elder Richards hit more of my spiritual needs and Elder Staley absolutely nailed my more temporal needs. Though both of their talks were spiritual in nature they seemed to apply themselves differently to my situation. I was absolutely uplifted to hear Elder Richard's talk about keeping underneath the umbrella of the Lord and making a clear conscious choice to stay underneath it and not venture out. Elder Staley's talk felt more like a no nonsense, coach in a lockerroom, pump you up talk about taking responsibility for ourselves. He really let us have it by telling us in plain terms to stop being mediocre. The Lord made us and expects us to be the most exceptional creatures of all creation. Staley told us that we needed to be courageous, take chances and rely on the Lord and if we did He'd never fail us.

His words just really rang with a lot of truth. I had forgotten how completely reliable the Lord is. Its just who he is. There 100% of the time. I guess over the last few years when I've made some stupid decisions it was because I felt the Lord had let me down. I lost confidence in the Lord because the way things were unfolding in my life didn't match the expectations I had gleaned from the Church. You all know what I mean I'm sure. You have certain expectations, expectations that often are drawn up by members of the Church but ones you adopt yourself. Sometimes those expectations are pretty unrealistic and unhealthy, but other times they seem right in line with what we are taught doctrinally and spiritually. Like the expectation we have that if we're faithful and pray deeply problems will be solved in our lives. I'm not saying that's not right. But what the expectation fails to do is include a clause that allows for the option of extended problems that go beyond the pail of other people's experiences. Getting back to my main point, I lost faith because I was duped into believing that God had failed me.

Why was I duped? How was I duped? I wasn't doing what was right. I had stepped out from underneath the umbrella of the Lord and was exposing myself to all the ferocious winds and storms of the adversary. Its very easy to become disoriented when there's a constantly changing landscape in front of you and you become dehydrated and hungry. Very easy indeed. Looking back its clear that I realized I'd left the safety of that umbrella after about five months time. Once I realized what I'd done and what the implications were I started to run back to the umbrella. But remember what I said before, an ever changing landscape and no sustenance leaves you disoriented. I ran every which way and tried lots of things to alleviate the hunger pangs and get out of the storm but they were temporary in the least and poisonous at the worst. It wasn't until I moved back to my home town that I got my bearings. And after a year of a steady uphill battle, sometimes sliding back a few hundred feet I've reached some sort of summit. Its not smooth sailing from here but its not such a big incline, and there's regular spiritual food and water.

The talks on Friday were really necessary for me. I feel and believe I'm finally getting a handle on the last of the really bad decisions and I can actually start dealing with other aspects of my life. In college I gave lipservice to future educational and career plans because that's all I could do. I was so lost that making those sorts of huge decisions just wasn't possible. I'd try to think them through and I'd get so bogged down in everything. I had no faith to get any spiritual direction, I couldn't reason them out because I'd lost confidence in my own decision making skills because of the choices I'd made. It was rough. But as I said before, I feel like I've gotten a handle on things or more correctly the handle was given to me.

I didn't mean for this to be such a weird metaphoric post. I'm sorry if it isn't all entirely clear. If I was going to turn this in for a grade believe me, I'd go back and hammer it out clear as day but its I'm not going to turn it in so I'll just leave it as is. It makes sense to me and maybe it'll make sense to you. If not you could always just call me up and we could discuss it. Uberstud-Seth and I did last night and it was a pretty uplifting convo I must say. On a parting note, I turn 26 years old tomorrow...and I got a new suit which I will be sporting at Conference. I hope I see all you guys up there and we can go to a session or two. In the very least Canadian Robb and I are going to see Serenity Friday night so ya'll are invited though I know at least one of you hasn't the imagination for such a film. Oh well your loss.

Friday, September 16, 2005

My Taste in Music is Struck Down

Last Saturday I opened up my beautiful little 12'' Mac laptop and found I had let the battery run down. So I plugged it in and started it back up. I was looking to listen to some music as I ironed. Its a favorite past time of mine. It keeps my attention focused on the ironing and not say the television screen. I've had occasion to look down after 15 minutes and realized that one portion of my shirt is extremely well ironed because I've continously passed over it for the last 15 minutes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The rest of it still looks like the thing that gave birth to all wrinkles. So as I readied myself to iron; plugging things in, hitting switches and listening for the water to turn to steam I glanced over at my itunes display and was suprised to notice it said I had 18hours worth of songs instead of the 2.5 DAYS worth I had the last time I opened the program. I was shocked and bewildered. I closed it down and started it back up again. But to no avail. My entire library of music had been whipped off the face of the earth.

But I still had my trusty ipod....

In an error not unlike that of Apolo 13 I plugged my ipod into my laptop thinking, all I have to do is that routine backup and it will restore all my songs. Instead of venting oxygen into outter space I vented all my songs into that computer generated ethereal space.

I plugged my ipod in and zap, in a few seconds my other back up library of music was whipped out. This time by my own hands. I felt like Ceasar, "etu ipod?" I just sat there starring at the screen. All my CDs, all my college roomates CDs gone in a flash.

"At least I have all my favorite CD's in my car."

Fast forward to Wednesday of this week. I got all dressed and ready to go to work. I strolled out to my car and unlocked it. Slumped down in the drivers seat and suddenly got that feeling that somethings not right here. My glove box was open, as was the center consol, and the change drawer. "What the heck!?" I exclaimed. I looked in the back seat and there was all my back seat junk alive and well. That's when I turned back forward looked down between my seats where I stick my CD case, well where I used to stick my CD case. It was gone. Along with about four years worth of my favorite disks. I got out of the car circled around to the other side where I noticed the passanger door was unlocked and a part of the window casing was torn up. "Oh man...this SUCKS!" I said to myself. I had been robbed. Robbed blind of all my music. Well whoever it was I hope they like a mix of latin, reggae and rock cause that's what they're getting. I was left with six CDs I collected from the back seat, the CD player itself and underneath one seat. I've got a Norah Jones CD, one CD from that limited edition Bob Marley boxset, Guero, the sound track to Master & Commander, the What Women Want soundtrack and Maroon 5s first disc. I'm not exactly beaming about my measely six CDs.

In the course of a week and a half all the music I loved to listen to was erased or stolen. I guess someone was trying to tell me to get better taste or spend less time listening to music. Well, I got the message loud and clear, not like I had a choice. I guess I wont be buying myself that new ipod nano for my birthday. I mean in the very least it will easily fit my meager CD collection.

So now I'm starting all over from scratch. I think I'll start with Bob Marley's Legend CD. Its a classic and something I'm going to need to get through buying all the others. I mean where can I find another "Latin Mix" made by my friend Trisha that we used to salsa dance to? Or how am I going to replace Donde Estan Los Ladrones, that I bought at a huge tiangui in La Perla, Mexico City? What about my Weezer CDs that kept me company on the long bus rides through the English country side while I was on Study Abroad?

I know I can buy new Cds of the exact same music, and the music itself is what I associate with those experiences. But until I can buy them again, I'm basically out 375 memories and that's a conservative estimate, VERY conservative. That's 25Cds with 15 songs apiece. Lousy theiving jerks, stupid computer glich. I guess I'll just start to buy one CD a month. Those of you that still read my blog, please feel free to make suggestions as to what and who I should buy next. And for those of you that just bought a Mac and Ipod...beware. Don't put your trust in the arm of the electronic because it will fail you. And dont suppose locked doors are any sort of a hinderance to dishonest persons seeking to increase thier CD collection or available funds.

Well that's about it.

Oh man!!...they also took all the quarters in my little storage bin...son of a B!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

A Bevy of Insubstantial(not of substance)Stuff

I have bloggers block. I can neither create nor finish a blog post.

I feel I should inform you of my weekends activities as they were rather enjoyable yet they lack substance. I went clothes shopping on Saturday and got a dress shirt, a polo shirt and a t-shirt and the new Beck CD. Man oh man, you've GOT to pick that one up. Its like someone bottled up rhythm, added some funk, and some lyrics then stuck it in a paint shaker for a few days. It comes out in a beautiful shade of silky blue with gold flecks. It is NOT to be missed. You've probably all already bought it and I'm just catching up, but not for lack of trying. Its been sold out the few times I've gone to look for it. So that was a happy purchase. And the blue stripped polo was an instant gratifier too. It fits well, and my mom said its "cute". I'll have to throw it in the arsenal if I ever get to take out that girl I met at the CES fireside last night. She's moving back to Hawaii but she didn't say when, and all I got was a first name. So the shopping was good.

Sunday was probably the best church day I've had since my mission. I can say that with complete honesty. I'd say everyone in our ward has taken President Hinckley's (or Hinkle if you're my convert grandma) invitation to heart. Everyone was prepared. Speakers, teachers, students. I've never seen anything like it. Everyone had read the material, was making valid, insightful, spirit inspired comments. Basically it was a working ideal Sunday. I've never experienced anything like it. I hope it lasts cause it made such a huge difference to me. I also went to the CES fireside last night. I thought it was pretty good. She reminded me about a lot of things I'd forgotten I'd learned about scripture study. And low and behold I met a girl there. There were probably 10 guys and two girls. One of the girls was so hot. She was exactly my type. Brunette, dark eyes, just a beautiful face and an athletic body. But she was sitting with this guy so I couldn't tell if they'd come together or what? In conversation he mentioned he'd be moving to Provo soon and started talking about women and I was like sweet, he's not with her. I wasn't exactly Don Juan, as I only spoke with her for a few minutes, but she was giving one or two signals. Or maybe she just had indigestion, anyways she's probably on her way back to Hawaii. But it was nice to actually meet someone finally, even if it was basically a ships passing in the night deal.

I also made a new friend which is nice. He's my friends bro-in-law recently returned from his mission. He's a fun kid and I'm trying to get him a membership at my gym so I can, at long last,(that little phrase is just stupid...I mean look at it, at long last, what does that even mean when you pull the words apart and sit them next to each other?) have a lifting partner. Plus he has this van that has a vanity plate. It says roxygirl, as in roxy girl surf stuff. Its his mom's old van and its hilarious he has to ride around in it. I told him to lower it and get a mural on the side but he wouldn't agree to it.

See like I said at the beginning of my post, not a lot of substance just stuff. I was happy to read my friend's blogs though and see they're getting along well. It would seem Derek has had some epiphanies lately about love, relationships, friends, life, and just everything good in general. That's fun to watch. Uberstud-Seth is hard at play with a new Mac...oh man I'm simultaneously jealous, nostalgic and happy for you. I remember my first while with my new Mac and the many many many times I'd take it out look at it and just bask in its sleek, cool, steely, coolness (DAMN that's some seriously freaking awesome word usage, can I just say that. I mean I'm using the word cool like four different ways there and you've GOT to give me some credit using sleek and steely only separated by another equally chido word.(USSeth can explain the word chido for you).) And Canadian Robb continues his mountaineering adventures atop Mt. Timp. Jeez man you just love life and death peril don't you. You're an adrenaline junky who cant seem to get access to parachutes or bungy cords so you just throw yourself off stuff and hope for the best.(that was actually a deep comment about the way you live your life and not just a surface observation about an actual event) As for the rest of you that read my blog....oh yeah there is no rest of you. Maybe someday I'll have a bigger audience to wow with my...Actually I've got nothing to wow them with so never mind. I'm going to take an early lunch.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Peaceful but Oh So Boring (Now I know why I couldnt stand most of Utah)

I was totally going to post last week but I couldnt get around to it. I was actually busy at work. That hasnt happened since...I dont know May, early May. So its been nice to have something to occupy my time and my mind. I'm happy to say that last weeks low point has come to an end. As I said on a friends blog, I'm better then I've been in a year or so. I thought "maybe its just the juxtaposition of depression and normalness" but now I think its more then that. I havnt solved any of the issues that made me unhappy, or at least came into relief when I was unhappy. I still know I need to make decisions and I'm still not pleased with my current situation. But I feel ok about that....with the fact that I'm just kind of in a holding pattern right now. I can probably list some of the reasons I know of that I'm feeling better but I dont feel like it. I'd rather talk about some of the reasons I speculate why I'm feeling better.

Being busier at work could have something to do with it. Going day after day, week after week and not feeling like I've accomplished anything could really have gotten me down. I mean, on Saturday I went and put in two electrical sockets for my Aunt and I got the biggest sense of accomplishment. And putting in electrical sockets isnt that big of a deal. It takes all of ten minutes and a screw driver. Basically a trained monkey could do it. But doing something after doing nothing for a few months feels pretty good.

I started to go to institute again. After my summer hiatus(sp) classes started again last Thursday. It was so nice. And there were new people there, though sadly lacking in girls near my age. But there were lots of new guys, some converts and they're always fun to hang with. Also I'm going to General Conference in October. I'm trying to get tickets from as many people as I can. I've got my Bishop out fishing for them as well as my Stake president. Hopefully he'll get some from one of the 12 who is coming to our stake conference.

Rereading this post it has become apparent that when I'm relatively happy, I'm also pretty dang boring to read. Sorry about that. It would seem when I'm making progress spiritually that I lose some of my zing. That stinks huh?

I was talking on the phone with my buddy Derek a day or two ago and in the middle of our convo I got another call on the home phone so I set Derek down and picked up the call. Turns out some lady in my ward is making a bulliten(spelling SUCKS) board and wanted pics from during and after my mission. So I made polite convo with her and sent her on her way. I picked up the phone and Derek commented on how I had completely changed my dimeanor(I want to learn how to spell, someone please help me. Not knowing if I'm right or wrong is maddening) when I was talking to the lady. I readily agreed that I had. Though I didnt even notice it. My voice went up an octive and became positive, respectful and pleasing. It was wierd, and it makes me wonder how much I do that. I did it cause that's the way I need to appear to people at church. I think everyone does it. We're a version of oursevles. The version we think everyone needs to see so they dont see the parts of ourselves we hate. I guess that's ok. I know I wouldnt want to go around watching everyone let their huge personality and moral faults just hang out. At least this way we see something in other people to shoot for.

Though it does create a problem discering whether or not our friends or family are being honest with us in how they're doing. I know I try not to let on how I'm doing to my family. I'd just as soon they didnt know. Which is dumb. Anyways. I realized just now that I'm starting to get rambly, preachy and kind of deepish so I'm going to stop. I started out boring and skipped right over to mind numbing. I appoligize. Anywys, I'm going to try and get more work done. Hurray. Good lord I'm boring even I want to just click this window shut and go find a flash game.